HAH NOT REALLY - I'm still stagnating in my baggy trousers with no completed degree, no job, no mortgage and definitely no ferret, as I think they are in fact one of the most unappealing and pointless creations of evolution/god, depending on your views on WurldOriginz.
I have, however, just come back from an interview with myself (which, fingers crossed, went really well!) for the position of Chief Pioneer for my own public project, which is targeted around making the Naïve-Chic movement accessible to all. Unfortunately, I have been denied state funding based upon the opinion that, like 'fetch', it will never happen. I strongly oppose this belief, and see the decision as short-sighted and over traditional, as I believe Naïve-Chic is the appropriately specific piece of justification terminology thousands of lost individuals are searching for. It is highly applicable to all areas of modern day life, spanning from emotions to jewellery, turning everything that may be considered immature or undeveloped into a consciously stylised choice.
The basic principle relies on the idea that everything you had when you were eight (unless you are still eight, in which case aim more towards the 2009 era, around your fourth birthday) is now what we call in the industry 'nouveau-vintage', permitting you to wear it, do it, or embrace it with the comforting knowledge that your actions are supported and endorsed. This means, for example, that you may interpret all manner of things at face value, grossly missing The Deeper Significance, and not even feel the slightest bit dim as a result. You may also wear felt headbands with your name written on in 3D glaint, carry around some figurines which you call by name, draw hands and feet as just blobs and lines, trust potentially dangerous strangers, and remain convinced that it is actually 'lellow' and not 'yellow', all without even a fraction of shame or self-doubt, cushioned by the knowledge you are adhering to a set of principles outlined in the Handbook .
So, as Chief Pioneer, it is my job to enforce this mentality by thrusting upon the nation all kinds of reassuring morsels that you can deploy any time you need to fight the war on maturity and composure.
In the Handbook, the third chapter is entitled NaïEAT Chic, and explains all about how to put nutritious and underdeveloped meals in to your system. Twenty pages are dedicated to raw foods and their unrefined status, here is an extract:
2 raw caRrutƧ
1 leMun
oLiVe oiL
a few sPrigƧ of coRiandaR
a grAter thAt maKeƧ littul gratEY bitƧ
gRate the caRutƧ and skWeez a BiT of leMun onto them. pUT suM oLiVE oiL on and suM choped coRiandaR and tiDY uP youR PlaTeƧ arftERwOOdƧ.
The most important thing to remember during this process is to make mistakes. The recipe may seem relatively simple, but there is room for human error; too much olive oil, or catching your nails in the grater. Try and blame other factors than yourself, as this is fast becoming one of the more subtle methods of identifying movement members.
To use Naïve-Chic logic, the ears are closest to the brain, therefore they must be the fastest way to the brain, therefore music plays a very important role in a successful immersion. Lola by The Kinks is all about misunderstanding and confusion when confronted with a multifaceted situation. Apparently recounting an encounter between the speaker and a transvestite or transgender individual, the speaker is left uncertain as to the exact scenario. Such ideas as the Champagne tasting like Cherry Cola exhibit the childlike palette of the singer, and the fact that he's not dumb but he can't understand why she walk like a woman but talk like a man highlights his failure to comprehend the social situation he finds himself in.
To read your way to a fashionable and one dimensional interpretation of life, try The Edge Chronicles by Paul Stewart and Chris Riddell. Intended for a younger readership, I experience no twinges of embarrassment when I say that a sturdy four hours were spent reading Beyond The Deepwoods in one dedicated and unbudging sofaplonk - in fact I see it as an act of defiance and stylishly justified indulgence. At one point, I even misjudged a character, taking him to be a more stereotypical bad guy than he actually was, which was bang on trend and beautifully in line with this season's unstoppable movement.
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