Among other AoL winners were Tuesday, which took the Day Least Looked Forward To Award, 17 degrees centigrade, taking the Most Liminal Temperature Award, and also the Soviet standard GOST 7396 C 1 (6 A or 16 A /250 V unearthed)plug socket, awarded first for the Electrical Outlet With The Longest Name.
The one category I was particularly excited to see presented, however, was Overrated Item of the Week. After a little deliberation, it eventually went to Harmony. Bad news for Berfooda. I experienced a brief existential crisis, but soon realised no contracts had ever been signed and I was therefore free to do all I can to stay bang on trend for 2014.
I present to you, therefore, in desperate and seemingly maverick fervour to please, an underrated triangle of disjuncture that will in no way unite anything, obliterating the value of togetherness with a turbolaser of fracture.
Bolts come from the blue, wars come from both national and international turmoil and dispute, and cymbal crashes come from a number of traceable sources, namely the musical score, the user's role, the motor neurones in the hand etc. Clashes don't just appear from nowhere, so we're going to start with a solid foundation full of bold and easily jarrable elements.The following recipe is to be read aloud in an intrusive and aggressive manner in order to rile as many people around you as possible, setting off the tension that will ultimately explode and put you all back in the game of cool. Deploying a team of untalented and highly reactive workers can act as a catalyst.
3 sticks of celery, chopped finely, all even ALL EVEN I SAID IF I FIND ONE TOO LARGE OR TOO SMALL YOU'VE HAD IT, ALRIGHT? (loom threateningly)
9 baked beans rubbed dry of their sauce AND I WANT THIS DONE PROPERLY. NO BITS OF BEANY TISSUE LEFT SOILING OUR WORK SURFACES DYOU HEAR? (demonstrate genuineness of intentions by screwing up nearby tissue and ramming it into the nearest worker's face)
1 cube of marzipan, PERFECTLY SYMMETRICAL ON PAIN OF DEATH.
1 identically shaped cube of tofu.AND IF ANYONE THINKS IT'S FUNNY TO TALK ABOUT THE HEALTH BENEFITS, YOU CAN FUCK OFF.
1) NOW MIX THEM ALL TOGETHER, YOU BUNCH OF HALF WITS.
2) MIX, I SAID MIX!! NOT GENTLY CARESS WITH A SPOON!!
3) HEAT ON A ROARING FLAME, NO BURNING.
4) SERVE ON CLEAN PLATTERS. WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED AND BALANCING ON THIS HERE BEACHBALL. (present beachball). ANY SPILLAGES AND YOU'RE FIRED...WITHOUT WAGES.
Ok so that should do us nicely as a battle ground, with any luck your workers will be fed up with their unappreciated effort and shall soon be plotting a revolt. While you're undertaking this process, it is advised to play background music (didn't see that one coming, I bet). The best song for this is Got Your Money by Old Dirty Bastard. He gulps in an irritating fashion, his attitude is sexist and his lyrics are abusive and poorly rhymed (see verse one, lines three and four). He has achieved perfection for this scenario through his frame of imperfection, becoming the ideal man for the job of inciting rage in the kitchen.
As per euj, by this stage we will all be in need of a bit of a lit hit, just to really set the battle in motion. My first piece of advice would be to always buy he hardback edition, as it can be rapidly transformed into a hefty weapon. The best way to avoid harmony, however, is with a thoroughly disunited army, so don't all buy the same edition of the same book. Think The Whites during the Russian Civil War. No common aims = guaranteed high death toll and widespread confusion. In order to give you some guidance, however, I will provide a brief list of recommended reading just in case you find yourself lacking inspiration, or with a very limited time slot in which to purchase your text/arms.
The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. Controversial and relatively heavy at 547 pages.
Atlas of The World. Best known for its sharp sharp corners containing its wealth of geographical reference.
Surrealist Manifesto by André Breton. Condemning everyone not like himself and highly suitable for papercutting.
The Slum by Aluísio Azevedo. Neat little slappy novel about gangs, competition and demise in Brazil.
And for one final provocative line: you're all rubbish.
